I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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