My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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