Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize