just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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