bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
