..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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