FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I looked at my own cervix.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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