Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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