Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
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there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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