shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
