You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
