I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
