i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
