my phone needs a breathalizer
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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