She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
