It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
