you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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