I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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