Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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