life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
