Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
