I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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