he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
