im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
