Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
