Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
