The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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