he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're a waste of cheezeits
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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