So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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