Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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