I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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