Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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