Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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