It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
