They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I fill condoms, not promises.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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