wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
