he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
