So drunk its hurt
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Congratulations! We have a period
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
