EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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