soooo we both peed the bed last night...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
