so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.