He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.