I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
