So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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