I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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