Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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