I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
