after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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