i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
being pregnant is like rehab
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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