The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
