I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
