I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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