look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
