Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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