a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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