Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
