So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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