just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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